Nov 30, 2021
i’m having an apostrophe
its like
i didn’t date young boys
when i was a young girl; young like, old enough to date young.
holding hands during the soccer game
when we were supposed to be
playing soccer
and matt j telling me he thought i was cute.
high school
was a blur
of accidental boyfriends
skipping Bio12 to make it official on the lawn
making out while you passed the gum back and forth
which is gross
and not hot
and not having anything close to sex.
and when things that were close to sex happened
i was too drunk to remember
and or too ashamed to admit.
and then
when i was 19-mmmmmm
in my 20s
in my early 20s
in my later 20s
i dated angry
old men.
not my dad, exactly;
something freudian for sure.
and then after 24- the magical year of my birth-
i let myself start sleeping
fucking
with
angry, old men.
whyyyyyyy.
i think something in me always felt older than my peers; so looking at guys
who were my age
wasn’t on the table. ( i am obsessed with age and i’d like to stop please)
so when i turned 30
and he was 23
and he was looking at me
and making it happen
and not holding back
mmmmmmmmmmmm
it wasn’t the age.
it was the energy
the passion, the carelessness
the enthusiasm
the boyish charm, the absolute confidence
the fukboi magnetism
the youth; his being technically 23 didn’t matter.
it was what i meant, how he embodied it.
it was definitely an aesthetic thing. i have had summer
flings
that i knew were destined to end. but i dunno man.
when i was 23 year, guys like that weren’t looking at me.
i’m a middle aged man with a school girl fantasy.
i now understand that a little bit more.
i had never been with a young
fun
guy just for fun. EVER!
my sex life was introduced by a stressed out student
and while he was kind, it was quick and routine
because it had to be.
lights off, covered up. and it was new, it was foreign, the learning
curve was as real as my lady curves were not.
and after that
i graduated
onto closet heroine addicts, outdated boxing coaches and
old dude energy.
cynical, clinical.
i missed the part where sex was fun
and aligned
and we were on the same page
and the energy
matched.
i’ve spend my whole life trying to be older than i was, trying to be a different season than what was unfolding, nostalgic for my future and anxious about my past. pick your head up girl.
i missed the boat
on
being young and fucking just to fuck for fucks sake.
so thanks man.
